Right now, Buzzfeed is doing a series of videos for mental health week. Today I had taken the time to watch every video that they have put out so far. And it brought me to the conclusion that I needed to write about this whole mental health thing.
(You can find the videos here: https://www.youtube.com/user/BuzzFeedVideo/videos )
As of recent, I discovered that regardless of how happy I was with my current life situation I still felt unmotivated, and cripplingly sad. And I didn't like how I felt the second I was alone, without distractions. I was forced to see myself in a desolate almost non-existent light. I realized that this was so abnormal for me. I would have a good day, and then an absolutely horrendous day. Some days it was harder to find a distraction than others. I knew that I had issues with anxiety, and I knew that what I was feeling was a completely separate entity from that.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it to be fixed. I knew that I wasn't like this, and I had no reason to be. I thought to myself at the time "I'm in a happy relationship, I have good friends, I am the president of an amazing club and department, I have the job that I have wanted for years, and I have things going for me. I have no reason to be like this, stop it Mishea." And I would beat on myself, things that seemed to be so great in my life were starting to deteriorate. And I didn't know why. I eventually went to a doctor, and discovered that I have depression, anxiety, and ADD. Finding out that the chemicals in your brain just don't want to mix correctly is really hard. When you are faced with that, you don't know where to turn. And sometimes you can't help but think that because of the stupid chemicals in your brain, you are the reason that the things that make you most happy are starting to disappear. You can't help but think that you are destroying your life and you have no control over it.
The thing that makes it the hardest on me, is the people that I care about not understanding. No matter what I say to try to explain it to them, it doesn't connect to them. "Just fight it, I know that you're stronger than this" "Come on, try to be happy I know that you can do it" "Yesterday you had such a great day, what happened that changed that?" they would say. Hearing those things were so painful to me, and still I would be called unmotivated, lazy, and be accused of using those around me, and hearing that has only made it worse. And while I may know that I am strong, it's impossible for me to force my chemicals in my brain away. I can't be stronger than this in one day. The only hopeful thing I ever heard a loved one say to me was "I think you might have a little bit of depression, and I never want you to feel like your feelings are invalidated. It's okay to be sad Mishea, we will do whatever it takes to help you through this." And somehow that one thing reminds me during the awful days that I have one person that I can't leave alone in this world.
I don't think that it ever sunk in until I had a bad day. A horrendously awful day actually. While I know in the past weeks there have been moments that I have admitted to people that I wanted to disappear, and they always comforted me out of it. But what scares me the most, is a more recent bad day, when I didn't admit to a single person how I wanted to not be here anymore. After a full blown anxiety attack, and my depression skyrocketing I couldn't handle it. I locked myself in my room, and sat in the dark silence. I knew that I wouldn't do anything to myself, but it's a horrific feeling, feeling like you don't deserve to be here anymore. Regardless of what your definition of that may be, it's not a feeling I ever want to happen again.
And yes, you may be thinking "why not just get medication?" I have not yet come to terms with my mental health issues, all of this is a fresh wound for me. And I am focusing my hardest on finding distractions, giving myself little things to look forward to everyday, making new friends, growing friendships with the people that are already around me. I don't want to be dependent on pills to get myself out of bed everyday and face the world with another mask. Because the one I have now is already cracked, and I would rather repair the one I have than get a new one at this time. While, yes I know that balancing the chemicals with medication may be a great thing that could help me entirely. But I am not ready for that. I want to understand why I am like this before I completely kick it under the rug of an orange pill bottle. I may come to terms with things later, and I would love to accept the help then. But right now I am trying my hardest to cope with learning about myself first.
I am no where near perfect, and yes this may be a huge shock for a lot of you. And I hate saying that being an actress has helped me hide away a lot, but that's just the truth. I have never been the person that likes to ask people for their help, to me I see it as being an inconvenience to those around me. But I have gotten better at it. There are a select few people that have held me while I have completely broken down in their arms. Throughout all of this, I have lost some people that I desperately clung onto and that has been so painful for me. But finding out those few people that genuinely care about me has been such a saving grace. Those people know who they are, and I don't want anyone asking me if they are one. Because that isn't what true friendship is about in my eyes. If you are one, you'll know, and just know that I love you, you're incredible, and thank you.
I am not writing this as a desperate call for people to ask me if I am okay, or to get attention. I just feel that if I write this, and someone who is as lost as I was reads it. I can help just that one person seek help that they are too scared to get. That they will realize that someone cares for them, and wants them around. I just hope that this got to someone who needs to read it, that's why I am writing this. And if you took the time to read this, and you don't know what this is like. I hope it will open your eyes and you may see someone you love suffering, and you can help them out. Regardless of who this gets to, it will help someone.
My depression makes me feel like there is a weight on my chest the size of an elephant, that stomps on my brain some days. My anxiety makes me feel like my head is trapped in a box of which there are so many delicate items inside, and if I were to break one my whole life would fall apart. My ADD makes me feel like I can't move some days and that I can't stop moving on others, all the while never being able to focus. Those are the battles that I fight behind my face everyday.
xx Mishea
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