The Heavy Stuff

Right now, Buzzfeed is doing a series of videos for mental health week. Today I had taken the time to watch every video that they have put out so far. And it brought me to the conclusion that I needed to write about this whole mental health thing. 

(You can find the videos here: https://www.youtube.com/user/BuzzFeedVideo/videos )

As of recent, I discovered that regardless of how happy I was with my current life situation I still felt unmotivated, and cripplingly sad. And I didn't like how I felt the second I was alone, without distractions. I was forced to see myself in a desolate almost non-existent light. I realized that this was so abnormal for me. I would have a good day, and then an absolutely horrendous day. Some days it was harder to find a distraction than others. I knew that I had issues with anxiety, and I knew that what I was feeling was a completely separate entity from that.  

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it to be fixed. I knew that I wasn't like this, and I had no reason to be. I thought to myself at the time "I'm in a happy relationship, I have good friends, I am the president of an amazing club and department, I have the job that I have wanted for years, and I have things going for me. I have no reason to be like this, stop it Mishea." And I would beat on myself, things that seemed to be so great in my life were starting to deteriorate. And I didn't know why. I eventually went to a doctor, and discovered that I have depression, anxiety, and ADD. Finding out that the chemicals in your brain just don't want to mix correctly is really hard. When you are faced with that, you don't know where to turn. And sometimes you can't help but think that because of the stupid chemicals in your brain, you are the reason that the things that make you most happy are starting to disappear. You can't help but think that you are destroying your life and you have no control over it. 

The thing that makes it the hardest on me, is the people that I care about not understanding. No matter what I say to try to explain it to them, it doesn't connect to them. "Just fight it, I know that you're stronger than this" "Come on, try to be happy I know that you can do it" "Yesterday you had such a great day, what happened that changed that?" they would say. Hearing those things were so painful to me, and still I would be called unmotivated, lazy, and be accused of using those around me, and hearing that has only made it worse. And while I may know that I am strong, it's impossible for me to force my chemicals in my brain away. I can't be stronger than this in one day. The only hopeful thing I ever heard a loved one say to me was "I think you might have a little bit of depression, and I never want you to feel like your feelings are invalidated. It's okay to be sad Mishea, we will do whatever it takes to help you through this." And somehow that one thing reminds me during the awful days that I have one person that I can't leave alone in this world. 

I don't think that it ever sunk in until I had a bad day. A horrendously awful day actually. While I know in the past weeks there have been moments that I have admitted to people that I wanted to disappear, and they always comforted me out of it. But what scares me the most, is a more recent bad day, when I didn't admit to a single person how I wanted to not be here anymore. After a full blown anxiety attack, and my depression skyrocketing I couldn't handle it. I locked myself in my room, and sat in the dark silence. I knew that I wouldn't do anything to myself, but it's a horrific feeling, feeling like you don't deserve to be here anymore. Regardless of what your definition of that may be, it's not a feeling I ever want to happen again. 

And yes, you may be thinking "why not just get medication?" I have not yet come to terms with my mental health issues, all of this is a fresh wound for me. And I am focusing my hardest on finding distractions, giving myself little things to look forward to everyday, making new friends, growing friendships with the people that are already around me. I don't want to be dependent on pills to get myself out of bed everyday and face the world with another mask. Because the one I have now is already cracked, and I would rather repair the one I have than get a new one at this time. While, yes I know that balancing the chemicals with medication may be a great thing that could help me entirely. But I am not ready for that. I want to understand why I am like this before I completely kick it under the rug of an orange pill bottle. I may come to terms with things later, and I would love to accept the help then. But right now I am trying my hardest to cope with learning about myself first. 

I am no where near perfect, and yes this may be a huge shock for a lot of you. And I hate saying that being an actress has helped me hide away a lot, but that's just the truth. I have never been the person that likes to ask people for their help, to me I see it as being an inconvenience to those around me. But I have gotten better at it. There are a select few people that have held me while I have completely broken down in their arms. Throughout all of this, I have lost some people that I desperately clung onto and that has been so painful for me. But finding out those few people that genuinely care about me has been such a saving grace. Those people know who they are, and I don't want anyone asking me if they are one. Because that isn't what true friendship is about in my eyes. If you are one, you'll know, and just know that I love you, you're incredible, and thank you. 

I am not writing this as a desperate call for people to ask me if I am okay, or to get attention. I just feel that if I write this, and someone who is as lost as I was reads it. I can help just that one person seek help that they are too scared to get. That they will realize that someone cares for them, and wants them around. I just hope that this got to someone who needs to read it, that's why I am writing this. And if you took the time to read this, and you don't know what this is like. I hope it will open your eyes and you may see someone you love suffering, and you can help them out. Regardless of who this gets to, it will help someone. 

My depression makes me feel like there is a weight on my chest the size of an elephant, that stomps on my brain some days. My anxiety makes me feel like my head is trapped in a box of which there are so many delicate items inside, and if I were to break one my whole life would fall apart. My ADD makes me feel like I can't move some days and that I can't stop moving on others, all the while never being able to focus. Those are the battles that I fight behind my face everyday. 

xx Mishea

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That Moment You Realize That Your Life is a Lie

You know that moment, when you figure out something that you were so sure of your ENTIRE life is a lie? I know that I, myself have had plenty of those moments. It's that moment when you sit there in doubt of everything and just can't really talk about it, and you never seem to get a grasp of it. 

Here are a few examples;

• When you figure out that the notches on a toaster stand for minutes, not level of toastiness. 
• When you find out that you have been using bobby pins incorrectly for literally your entire life

• When you discover that they don't lay individual bricks into the sidewalk.

• When you find out "No Tears" shampoo wasn't to prevent kids from crying, it's to prevent tangles. (Yeah, I know.. all those pain-filled moments of having shampoo in your eyeballs that was a false promise from a bottle wasn't actually a lie)
• THIS. THOSE LAZY BUTT HEADS IN DEPARTMENT STORES DON'T EVEN FOLD THEIR TOWELS, NO. BUT THEY LIE TO EVERYONE ABOUT THEIR PERFECT APPEARANCE. 
  
• When you find out Nutella is pronounced "new-tell-uh" not "nu-tell-uh". Don't believe me? Go to the Nutella FAQ page. You will be as thoroughly disappointed as I. 
• When you see all your friends pictures from meeting the Weasley twins at ComiCon, and THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY RED HEADS. 
• Footlongs from Subway aren't actually a foot long. 
• WHEN BUFFALO WILD WINGS DOESN'T ACTUALLY GIVE YOU A SPECIFIC NUMBER OF WINGS, IT'S ACTUALLY DONE BY WEIGHT. 
• When you find out the proper multiple of Octopus is Octopodes, not Octopi.
• When you figure out baby carrots are actually just cut out of big carrots, like.... why?

I am very sure that most of you knew these things, and I am sure I will think of more, but I just felt it was necesary for everyone to know my thought crippling moments of finding out my life is a whole lie.  

xx Mishea

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Feeling Adult-ish

There is something about ordering delivery for Chinese food that makes you feel like a adult with a studio apartment in New York. There is also another whole feeling of being an adult as you sit in a dark apartment, lit with candles, the light of your TV, and laptop screen while you write a blog post about being an adult a month after your 20th birthday. 

Then you realize that you are happy where you are, sitting in your living room eating chinese food, with a face mask from lush on, and waiting for the candle-lit bath you might have in an hour or two. While you're writing a post for your blog, and catching up on your favorite youtubers, thinking about the next chapter in the book you are halfway through. 

When you think about one of your best friends from high school coming home in 2 days after being gone for a year and a half, and you realize you have almost been graduated for 2 years, and you're making your way through college having experiences that you didn't even know were real while you were working for that diploma. That's when you realize that time really does move fast, just like all the adults in your life told you. 

And when you write this blog post about being an adult, living on your own, working your way through college, and figuring out how to avoid the winter that is bound to happen, that's when you realize that you are an adult. And you will get excited about interesting things. 

Then you write a list of all the things that you get as an adult, warning those who aren't adults yet. 

• You will get excited about a shelf that you put in your shower, moving the clutter from the edges of the tub. 
• You're going to get excited about a well planned out meal, not one made from pre-made frozen food. 
• There is something exhilarating about entering a clean apartment that you slaved over the day before. 
• When you have freshly cleaned sheets, that is one of the best feelings ever. 
• Cleaning out a drawer that somehow became a junk drawer is fun, its actually FUN.
• When you walk on newly vacuumed carpet, your feet are walking on clouds. 
• Staying in bed rather than cleaning your dishes makes you feel guilty. 
• Clean clothes are a god-sent. 

I know it's a short and boring one, but I am trying to write more often. There will be more interesting posts to come, promise. 

xx Mishea

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Love Test: Choose Love

If you don't already know what I am writing about by just reading the title, watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9JrNEHj558

When I first watched this video, it was an ad on YouTube, and I wanted to skip though it but something kept me watching. I didn't think much of it when the video was over, but the second time I watched it, it stuck with me. And I decided to do it, not for my relationships with anyone else, but just with myself. 

I am now a whole week into the Love Test and I honestly couldn't be happier with the results that I have come across. I have set apart time every morning to get ready [(Doing my hair and makeup, and picking a cute outfit) The only exception was the day I had my makeup class which I have decided are my makeup-free days, or a natural day.] I've also taken time each morning to clean my face, and give myself a little pamper, which I have never done continuously before. And on my days off, I have taken time to do things I used to love to do that I haven't made time for in a long time. 

Like right now I am sitting on the porch to my apartment (which is currently home to an old desk and coffee table) and drinking one of the best hot chocolates I have had in a while, catching up on some reading, and writing blog posts whilst wearing fluffy socks and a cozy cardigan. 

I know what you're thinking, "What if I don't want to do a full face of makeup everyday, or do my hair all fancy everyday?" well simple answer is, you don't. Today I only put one eye shadow on, and mascara, because I'm not going anywhere so why would I need a full face of makeup? For me, makeup makes me feel empowered, it's not necessarily to impress anyone. It's just there to make me feel like I am ready to take on the day whatever comes my way.  

Throughout this week I have also done other little things to make me feel better and help me love myself a little bit more. I took time to clean my apartment bit by bit as needed, gave myself a manicure, put on a face mask for a pamper session, organized and got rid of makeup that has past shelf life or I just don't use or need anymore, decorated the apartment a little, and I caught up on my homework (slowly but surely). And this next week I am going to get rid of old clothes I don't wear anymore, and I am going to deep clean and organize the place to make it feel less cluttered before winter comes. 

The Love Test has given me a whole new sense of confidence, I know now that I am one of the cutest things to walk the earth (in my own humble opinion, haha) and I can honestly say that I look at myself every morning and tell myself that I am beautiful and deserving of great things, because I am and I do. 

I suggest you take time to do the Love Test, whether it's to better your relationship with a significant other, or with yourself. It's a heartwarming experience and it's well worth the time and effort that you put into yourself. If this works for you, let me know what positive outcomes you receive, I would love to read them.

Love your beautiful self, because if you don't who will?

xx Mishea

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Use Your Common Sense, Please (Because I Didn't)

Yesterday was a hard enough day for me as it was. I felt like I was in a constant state of emergency, and was overall in a bad mood. 

(this is some preface to my story that I feel is necessary.)

As the President of the Drama Club at my college, I went out of my way to do concessions for our show "A Lie of the Mind" nearly every night. And it was the second night of the run, I had brought my laptop with me so that I could do homework whilst I watched the table and I figured I didn't really have anything to do. So I didn't want to leave my laptop unattended. So I figured I would just take it out to my car and hide it under the seat so it would be safe. 

Well, I have always been the person to make sure I have someone to walk with me to my car, if I ever work late nights at the mall and I have to walk alone because I didn't park near my co-workers I use my SafeTrek app. But as of recent I switched phones and hadn't had the money to repurchase it. So I didn't have it, and this was a time that I probably should have had someone there, regardless of the fact that I didn't want to disturb anyone that was getting ready for the show. 

There I was, unsuspecting small statured me. If you saw me in the dress I was wearing you would already know that I couldn't hold my own unless I knew it was coming. I had my laptop completely exposed, expensive smart phone in my hand. Keys on a lanyard wrapped around my wrist. That's it. When I had gotten to my car, I noticed another one parked very close to mine on the passanger side, but what I didn't realize was a man that was inside. I had gotten to the passanger door, opened it and started to slide my laptop underneath the seat and arms had wrapped around me. And I could immediately tell that it was someone that I didn't know. They started reaching for my laptop, so I pushed myself away from the seat after I had gotten my laptop underneath it. Somehow, I was able to get this huge man far enough away from my car that I could shut and lock my door. Then I was pushed to the ground, and he was fighting for my keys.

There were two girls in the parking lot, and they came running to my rescue. Unknowing what could have happened to any of us, one girl had called campus security which was just on the opposite side of the parking lot. The man was pushed off of me by one girl and the other barely got his face with her pepperspray keychain. It wasn't enough to keep him from getting in his car and racing away as one girl helped me up and got me out of the way, and the campus security car was chasing after him. The girls helped me inside and went to the in-house campus security. And I had a friend come downstairs so I could tell him what happened and why I wouldn't be able to help with concessions as the house opened. The campus security came to me and got my information, and I asked them if I could be upstairs with my theatre family because I was too shaken up and the other girls had seen everything. He granted me permission, probably because I was crying so hard I couldnt breathe. 

When I had gotten upstairs, I called my mom telling her everything that happened. As I was crying to her on the phone, I was being comforted by my loving boyfriend who bless his heart had no idea what was going on and was hearing the details during my tear ridden phone call. I sat there and bawled to my friends because I was so terrified. 

I got taken into the green room and I was still in tears, I felt like I couldn't breahte and when people touched me and I didn't expect it I jumped, and I still do. I had nightmares all throughout the night so bad that I feel like I have had no sleep whatsoever.

I made stupid choices, I will admit. Like leaving my laptop out, walking outside alone without any protection in place of a person. And if those girls weren't there I wouldn't have a phone, laptop, car, or even my dignity. I feel so dumb, I would never deny that.

 But I feel like it's necesary for me to tell you all of this because, regardless of if you feel safe where you are, please never walk alone. And don't let anyone else either, if you aren't parked close, DRIVE them to their car so you know that they're safe. Keep all of the important items you have concealed, and seriously think about having some sort of self defense on you at all times. 

I am looking into being a consultant for the company Damsel in Defense (http://damselindefense.net/) 

They provide incredible self defense products for all genders. And they're cute too, I bought my own pepperspray after everything happened. They provide so many things as well, safety equiptment for your car, personal alarms, whistles that are bracelets, stun guns, pepper spray and much more.

Another option is SafeTrek, it's an app that you can download on to any smart phone, and although it does cost money it will save you. It tracks your location, and you press a button on your phone and if it's released and you haven't put in your set pin within a number of second's it will call the police for you. It gives you an additional 10 seconds in case you haven't put in your pin in time and if you do an employee of the company will text or call you and make sure that you are okay. If you don't respond the authorities will be alerted, and on their way to the location of the phone. 

 I highly consider that everyone has something that will take care of them regardless of how safe they feel. Because I felt safe, and now... I dont. 

Please just think smart, and care about yourself and your surroundings. Because there are so many people that would be devistated if they lost you, including me. 

xx Mishea

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You're Compensating for.... well, Something.

 I think that I have found the thing that makes me absolutely lose my mind. Without a doubt this thing makes me feel like my mind is melting out of my ears, because it frustrates me THAT bad. 

And that is when huge vehicles like trucks, hummers, SUV's, etc. feel that they are entitled to the road, and all of it's entities. And because of this they think that just because they're bigger than everyone else, they can follow NO LAWS WHATSOEVER and put EVERYONE else on the road in complete danger because they're too consumed in their vehicles that are made for Andre the giant that guzzle gas, and apparently don't have operating blinkers. I am completely convinced that the lights on the back of big vehicles are just for show because I have never seen one that works, except for breaks which they hardly use anyways. 

What fueled this fire of hate you may ask? Well, I drive a cute little KIA Soul, and apparently this means two things. 

1. That I should have a hamster somewhere in my car at all times. 
2. That I don't exist on the road to anyone, except for cars that are smaller than me. 

The second factor creates a horribly false connotation that I am a bad driver. Because I have to constantly stomp on breaks, swerve into other lanes, and try to either speed or slow away from danger. And all of this is caused by people that need a huge car in order to compensate for whatever they're lacking.  

And frankly I am over it. I am tired of getting angry looks from people when I honk at them for being reckless. I am done with the reaction to SPEED PAST AND BE EVEN MORE RECKLESS BECAUSE I HONK AT YOU. I wish that I had a pre-recorded honk that would tell people to quit being so self absorbed and to pay attention to those around them. Plain and simple. I feel like myself, as well as anyone who feels absolutely irked by these things should get a formal apology from those that are completely guilty of behaving like this on the road. And then a written pledge signed from them saying they will never do it to me again. And it's really not hard to quit it when I am around. You can easily spot my car in a crowd. I would just appreciate it highly if everyone would just stop being brats on the road. Including myself, I will admit that I get quite grumpy when I am surrounded by dumb drivers. And I probably get a little fast so I can just get out of my car to cool down. 

But yeah, can we all just be a little safer, and care a little more about those around us? Not everyone can afford car repairs or heaven forbid losing their car. Just try to be a little more cautious the next time you're on the road. 

xx Mishea

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Fictitious Friendships

It's kinda funny, the moment you realize that all of the time and effort that you put into a friendship was all a waste of time. 

It's the second that it hits you, it's almost like your whole life rushes before your eyes. But it's the whole duration of the friendship that flashes before you instead. The moments that you spent listening to their problems, helping them out all hours of the night. Driving them wherever they needed, helping them out with huge things in their life when they get hurt, or are desperate for your help. It's the second that you realize that you went above and beyond to do things for them because to you, they were one of your best friends, you cared about them beyond belief, but when it comes down to it they never did anything for you. Ever. 

Sure the initial realization sucks more than anything. The gut wrenching feeling that you spent your time and heart on someone who probably never cared about you, nor ever will. That split second makes you feel like you got hit in the stomach with a baseball bat. You thought that you meant a lot to this person, but you just created it all in your head because you cared so much for them it had to have been reciprocated in some form. But after you get over the first reaction, the rest are a walk in the park, a joke even. And it actually makes you laugh at your stupidity, how could you be so dumb? How could you actually let them do all of this to you without you even realizing any of this until now?

The next swing brings the memories, and you realizing how one sided they were. How when they had something to talk about, only they talked. You could never speak a word, you could only listen and then offer them advice after they used you as a napkin to wipe their emotional slate clean because they didn't want to burden their real friends with all of this junk. And you let them, because you cared SO much that you were blinded from the fact that they were desecrating you as their emotional garbage can. 

And you know what actually makes you comprehend all of this? The a moment they actually messed up and wronged you somehow, but guess what you did-- you still were trying to help them out and give them a little advice. THAT'S the instant that you're shocked out of your contributing coma. When you're struck with stupidity and you realize that all of the people that they claim to "hate" are the ACTUAL people that they claim to be their best friends. Not you, to them you are some sorry worthless little specimen that is there for them to abuse your kind heart and change you slowly into their tiny minion that wallows in their shallow ways, creating this imaginary friendship that makes you feel cared about when in all actuality they don't care if anyone loves you or wants you to be happy. You're just their chew toy. 

And you know what you should instantaneously when you realize this? Drop them like a hot freaking potato because they don't, nor ever deserved your kick-butt personality and beautiful face in their life. Because they suck, a lot. And they shouldn't have any friendships if they're going to treat someone as amazing as you like a piece of dirt. 

So get out of there, and find someone who will be as amazing of a friend as you are. 

xx Mishea

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Taking Time

Sometimes you need to take your own time, and find something that helps you get through the hard times. For some people, its taking walks, others it's reading, or writing. I like to figure out the little things about people and discover what makes them feel at ease. Everyone has one thing that basically clears their mind of everything. Even if you don't know it, you have one. You just haven't discovered it yet. 

For me, it took me a really long time, still taking a long time. I come to new discoveries and realize that they don't work for me. Then it just ends up making me feel alone. Because I thought I found something that made me feel like I could get through it, it changes and I can't seem to find anything. I thought reading, listening to loud music, or writing could help me. Maybe that's one of the reasons that I started this blog. And it helped me for a little while, but then I lose time for it, or the desire for it. For a long time it was theatre, and sometimes it still is that escape for me. But as of late I have had a hard time finding any joy in the things that I once loved, like because I was so distanced from them I forgot how to enjoy them. And it's brought me to this weird path that I just try any little thing to consume my time to distract me and get my way through it.

Somehow this post turned into something of a sob story for myself, and I feel like too often I come here to write this huge post, but it's just me complaining, so I don't post half of the things that are saved into my drafts. Because for some reason I feel like people will judge me for what's actually on my mind. So I hide virtually everything in my drafts and come back to it and read it over and over, but never share any of it. And it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job at keeping everyone posted here, especially the ones that enjoy reading what I write (the reason for that is still unknown to me.) But hey, hopefully soon I will get back into the swing of things here.

Until you read again.

xx Mishea

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Writers Block

Writers block is one of the most thought crippling things that anyone could experience(Obviously). Whether you're writing anything from an essay to a blog post. It's one of the most frustrating things ever. And obviously I'm going through it now. 

It's not even the fact that I don't have anything to talk about! I have a list of topics that I could ramble on about but when I try to write about them, I feel like I have nothing to say. And it's sad too say that after months of having this blog I have this obnoxious problem. But, I'm pressing on and writing about something anyway even though this is not nearly as entertaining as my other posts.

Writers block is kind of like when you're starving and you just don't know what you want to eat because absolutely nothing sounds appetizing. Or when you can't find anything to watch on Netflix but there's literally thousands of options, but at the same time there is nothing to watch. Or when you look really cute in the mirror, but it doesn't reflect the same way in photos.

It's so absolutely irritating and it's even more irritating when I'm also experiencing 2 of the 3 examples I gave above. (Yes, the food and Netflix examples are correct.)
And now it's gotten to the point that I feel like this post should be a lot longer, but I'm just at a loss of words and I don't now how to extend it. 

So.... bye then, I am starting to feel awkward now. 

xx Mishea

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Sometimes you just don't feel adiquite

You know those times, where you work and work towards something and regardless of how hard to try to get there you just get blown off? The times that you feel like you tried to conquer this task that is equivalent to Everest in your mind, but you just can't seem to make it to the top? The one's that - if you don't succeed, it throws you into this insane grey area that you don't understand how to escape?

Well, that's where I am. Something has happened in the past week, and though it might not seem like a big deal to anyone but me (because that is literally how it is, I'm basically a huge drama queen in everyone's eyes) it's like overload major for me. I feel like I am in this crazy game of limbo and I just can't bend my back enough to get to the other side, the side where everyone is celebrating, and I'm just stuck. My inflexibility has rendered me useless, I am on the side of embarrassed, sad people that can't figure out this game as much as me. But I am the only one making a big deal of it, and questioning it. Like, "Why have I hurled myself into this stupid game, and now I'm stuck, and for some reason I am just going to cry a lot about it." (These are statements I make a lot to myself.) 

And because of this, I can't find joy in things for some reason. Like I just want to lock myself in a dark room and pity myself until I find joy out of something stupid. Like maybe a piece of corn under the fridge (reference to Hyperbole and a Half). So now I am here, in a stupid game of limbo, that I hate. And now that has somehow launched me into this quest to find my piece of corn. 

I realize now this is a very stupid post, and that I might be institutionalized for it. But hey, maybe I can find pure and utter joy in something there. 

xx Mishea

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It's Been a Hot Minute

I apologize for my awful writing habits. I wish that I had all the time in the world to write about my everyday thoughts. But I am a busy college student with 12 things on my plate at a time. And I don't really think anyone missed my blog that much. BUT I AM BACK WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. 

So, as you can tell I started school. I'm in my first college play, and I am so stoked I can't even handle it. I also still work my dream job at a book store. AND on top of that, I have a leadership position at school, that could wave my tuition, BUT I need to get killer grades. Plus a new boyfriend to boot.

Stress is a major thing in my life now. It's basically an every second of the day kind of thing. So, I'm thinking that I can get some of my thoughts outs as well as my stress by sharing more here. 

So if you were/are a devoted fan to this blog and you just didn't know what to do with your life since I stopped writing in October. You're in for a treat. 

xx Mishea

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